The Joe Zone takes its mission very seriously of keeping all you Zoners informed on what’s happening in the world and other places. Just as the Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) brings you all the latest scientific developments and wild-eyed theories, the Joe Zone Bureau of Unusual News Kaleidoscope (JZ-Bunk) gives you an earful (or even two) of the wackiest, Zone-iest news around.
Join us, as we train our Misty News kaleidoscopic lens on our own inimitable crack news team. From the deepest recesses of the Joe Zone, our news center gathers only the choicest news that won’t make you snooze, give you the blues, or soil your shoes. Grab a cup of Joe Zone joe, settle back, settle down, and listen up:
Loopy: Hello, my name is Anderson Looper, but you can call me “Loopy”.
La La: And I’m Diane Lawyer, but you can call me “La La”.
Loopy & La La (together): And this is the Loopy La La report.
Loopy: Welcome to the Misty News Channel, keeping you up-to-date and setting you straight, on all the goings-on in a foggy, fractured, kaleidoscope world. At Misty News, we’re committed.
La La: As we should be. That’s right, we’re Misty News, channel 3.14159 on your remote, but not remotely like those other news channels. At Misty News, we’re fairly balanced. We bring you our own home blend of news, views, opinions, and crap we make up just because we can and we know you’ll believe it.
Loopy: And now, La La, let’s get started. And we don’t start with news that’s already happened, like those other lame news channels. At Misty News, we start with (echo engages): News of the Future – Future – Future!
La La: Wow, Loopy, that’s awesome! And here’s our first future item: the year 2013 in review!
Loopy: Wow! That’s right, 2013 hasn’t happened yet, but that doesn’t stop us from telling you all about it, anymore than not knowing what was going on in 2012 stopped us.
La La: Right! And you didn’t even notice!
Loopy: That’s fairly unbalanced, La La.
La La: But true. Sort of. Close enough, anyway.
Loopy: Actually, La La, here’s our first highlight of 2013: a list of accomplishments by Congress this year. (Pause).
La La: Thanks, Loopy. That didn’t take long. And here’s our second highlight: America goes over another fiscal cliff, into the fiscal abyss, through the fiscal worm hole, and into the fiscal black hole.
Loopy: Wow, La La, what a fun ride that was!
La La: You know it, Loopy! Good thing we had a really cool, relevant president to lead us through it.
Loopy: Right! I don’t know where we are now, but it sure was exciting getting here. Not at all like being under that boring President Bush. But – oh! We don’t call Mr. Obama “president” any more.
La La: OOOhhh, you’re so right. Which brings us to our third highlight of 2013: Emperor-For-Life Obama abolishes Congress.
Loopy: What? La La, no!
La La: Well, almost. They were irrelevant, anyway. And what they did was usually wrong.
Loopy: Yes, a good thing E-F-L O discovered the executive order.
La La: I’ll say! Imagine those silly founding fathers, leaving a loophole like that.
Loopy: Yes, speaking of irrelevant… Sheesh, who’s into the founding fathers these days?
La La: Really. That whole Constitution thing was so colonial.
Loopy: That’s right, La La. And here’s our next highlight of 2013: Tax rates raised across the board to prevent crashing our heads into the debt ceiling.
La La: That’s right. A simple sidestep of Congress by using the Emperor-For-Life Obama Executive Order (E-F-L-O-E-O) did the trick.
Loopy: Hey, that’s catchy. E-F-L-O-E-O, E-F-L-O-E-O!! (Starts snapping his fingers.)
La La (jumping up on the news desk and shaking what she got): I can dance to it! This is way more fun than President Bush ever was! E-F-L-O-E-O, E-F-L-O-E-O, O-E-O-E-O!! Shake it up!
Well, things have gotten a little out of control in the Misty Newsroom, so join us next time when we hear La La say: Continuing our countdown of the Big Five highlights of 2013, here’s number 2: Alec Baldwin appointed Secretary of Defense.