Huge throngs of dedicated Joe Zoners, perhaps numbering into double digits, have been clamoring for the second heart-palpitating installment of “2013 – the Year in Review.” And believe me, there’s no force in the universe that can withstand clamoring Zoners. So as we wipe off the Misty Mirror to peer into the dim reflections of what is yet to be, let’s hope that Loopy and La La, our sage (with a hint of thyme) newscasters, have calmed down and collected their wits. All seven of them.
Ah, yes, our Misty News kaleidoscopic lens is focused on the crack Misty News discerning duo of doo-doo, scooping out all choicest and select cuts of audio bytes and video tripe for your consumption. Welcome to the Joe Zone Bureau of Unusual News Kaleidoscope (JZ-Bunk).
Loopy: Hello, my name is Anderson Looper, but you can call me “Loopy”.
La La: And I’m Diane Lawyer, but you can call me “La La”.
Loopy & La La (together): And this is the Loopy La La report.
Loopy: Welcome to the Misty News Channel, keeping you up-to-date and setting you straight. Remember, at Misty News, we never tell you anything we don’t want you to hear.
La La: That’s right, Loopy. And now, we continue with our groundbreaking, booty-shaking, mind-bending, fact-rending review of the year of our Lord 2013.
Loopy: Uh – La La, we don’t say that any more.
La La: Oh. Right. Thirteen is unlucky. So now, we continue with our review of 2014.
Loopy: No, no, I mean we don’t say “the year of our Lord.” It may offend some people.
La La: Oh, we don’t want to do that. I keep forgetting that hurting someone’s feelings is now a federal offense. Anyway, we continue our review by taking a hard left into the field of sports.
Loopy: That’s some minefield, La La. Tread lightly.
La La: No worries. My stiletto footsteps are light as starshine.
Loopy: Nice. Anyway, in our first item, Lance Legstrong admits to doping the entire NFL, NHL, and AFL-CIO for fun and profit.
La La: He missed the NBA and MLB?
Loopy: Wait till next year.
La La: And this (engage echo) BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS just in!
Loopy: Ouch! That hurt my ears!
La La: I’m worth it. Anyway, stay tuned for breaking news, in our next hour.
Loopy: Come on, La La, don’t do that.
La La: Okay, okay. Here it is: Lance Legstrong admits that everything he’s ever said is untrue.
Loopy: What? Geez, this guy makes Bill Clinton look like Honest Abe. So – does that mean he doped or not?
La La: Well, he certainly duped, if nothing else.
Loopy: Indeed. And now, our top sports highlight of 2013: Tigger Woods gets a downhill ski across the chops from Lindsey Vonnavoom, when he’s discovered frolicking with a herd of ski bunnies.
La La: Wow! What a shot! Though personally, I think she over-clubbed. A nine iron has worked in the past, so I believe a ski pole would have gotten the job done.
The Misty News lens is fogging over once again, so we bid adieu to Loopy and La La for now. Join us in the hopefully distant future, for more distorted news items from the deepest recesses of the Joe Zone, where reality and fantasy intermingle and cavort together, like the lion and the lamb. Just like on the evening newscasts.