When last we peered into the Misty Mirror, the Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) was illuminating the murky corners of Area 51. In the second part of an exclusive interview brought to you by the JZ-BS, Dr. Miso Kooku, renowned authority and borderline schizoid, lets us in on the inside scoop.
JZ-BS: What about the aliens? The declassified CIA documents make no reference to flying saucers, aliens, or the Roswell, New Mexico incident of 1948.
Dr. Kooku: That’s because the real hub of alien activity is D.C.
JZ-BS: You mean the comic books?
Dr. Kooku: No, I mean the capitol. Think about it. Our government is riddled with aliens. Wouldn’t that explain a lot?
JZ-BS: I think “riddle” is the operative word. But how could the feds hide enough money in the budget to build and maintain a world-class aviation facility?
Dr. Kooku: You don’t get around much, do you? Besides, Disney financed half of the cost of Area 51.
JZ-BS: Disney? You’re joking.
Dr. Kooku: I never joke, Zoner. In twenty years, all rights revert to Disney, and Area 51 will be a major alien theme park.
JZ-BS: That’s ridiculous. Can you get me season passes?
Dr. Kooku: See me later. But don’t wait too long. Advance sales in the Andromeda galaxy are through the roof. By the way, you haven’t asked me the key question yet.
JZ-BS: What’s that?
Dr. Kooku: Who would win a fight between Capt. Kirk and Han Solo?
JZ-BS: Paramount? Anyway, apparently Area 51 was sometimes referred to as “Paradise Ranch.” Why is that?
Dr. Kooku: By Yoda, the parties we had there! Paradise indeed. We’d make a quick run down to Vegas in a stealth bomber, abduct some showgirls, and yoi-hoi – party time! No one can party like a bunch of cooped-up scientific geniuses.
JZ-BS: I’m recording this.
Dr. Kooku: That’s OK, I can erase it telepathically. Ironically, the showgirls were responsible for many of the alien rumors.
Dr. Kooku: Have you seen those crazy outfits they wear? And the wild makeup? They look like they’re from Pluto.
JZ-BS: Then book me on the next probe to Pluto.
Dr. Kooku: Sorry, I got the last fun-pass, courtesy of a highly-placed administration official.
JZ-BS: Speaking of which, the administration has been strangely silent on this.
Dr. Kooku: Silence for them isn’t strange. But I have been told by a White House source that if there are aliens, they will be covered under Obamacare. But their co-pays will be high if they need a blood transfusion or organ transplant.
JZ-BS: Back off, Dracula. I don’t think I’m their blood type. And I’ve already willed my organs to my cat. Anyway, I have to say that many Americans will have trouble wrapping their heads around this.
Dr. Kooku: I’ll rap their heads for them! They just didn’t pay attention in science class. Or third grade.
JZ-BS: That sounds condescending.
Dr. Kooku: Correct. To help, I’ve condensed the essence of this topic into a pithy haiku. Believe me, there’s nothing pithier on seven planets than a Kooku haiku.
JZ-BS: I don’t think I can argue with that.
Dr. Kooku: You betcha. I have 17 PhD’s. So haiku this, JZ-boy:
Saucers up your nose
Dr. Kooku: You betcha.
Well, the hands on the digital clock say we’re out of time. Remember, in the JZ-BS, accuracy is king, facts are trump, and jacks or better to open. When’s the next UFO shuttle to Vegas?