Regular Zoners know that we usually celebrate the arrival of each new season. So once again we unholster the Joe Zone nuclear-powered microscope, and examine the season of autumn, which sneaked in on tiny little fall-feet in the northern hemisphere yesterday afternoon. Did you hear it? Me, neither. I think it’s hiding in my basement.

Ah, autumn! It’s often the fairest of times, with mild breezes and pleasant temperatures. This year, in my neck of the woods, it’s very hot and dry. (In the spirit of transparency, I should point out that I don’t live in the woods, or in any kind of neck for that matter. I don’t even know what that means. If any of you are neck-dwellers, please let me know.) That’s fine with me, as I had grown weary of seeing the rabbits and squirrels being swept down the stream in my backyard from the flooding rains this summer.

Autumn is sometimes referred to as “fall.” This is because come September and October, so many things are falling – leaves, temperatures, raindrops, hems, footballs, meteors… Also falling is the number of daylight hours, which of course means that the number of nightlight hours is increasing.

There is a scientific explanation for this, and it has to do with the autumnal equinox. To understand this, we can look at the derivation of the word “equinox,” which some astute (“know-it-all”) person suggested I got wrong last year. Therefore, I double-checked it with the most reliable internet fake sources, the results of which I present herewith and forthwith and several other withs. “Equine” means “horse,” and “ox” means “ox,” so whoever came up with that word to describe the beginning of autumn must have been a lunatic.

Autumn is considered by many to be a particularly beautiful season, with leaves of brilliant hues, bright orange pumpkins, and new, over-priced iPhones that work half the time and have 5000 features they never tell you about. But at least they come in new, beautiful colors. Can new apps that don’t work right be far behind?

So, in honor of autumn, here’s a poem (no, really) from last year that public demand was adamant about, but I’m going to repeat it anyway:

The leaves are turning, it’s time for fall.

Trade your tankini for a coat and shawl.

The loss of warmth makes me want to grieve,

The impending cold makes me want to heave.

The beauty of vibrant leaves on the trees,

But why do I have to rake all of these?

Temps going down – crisp, cool autumn!

Alas, they haven’t hit the bottom.

Soft, gentle rains, aren’t they nice?

At least it isn’t snow and ice.

Tags: autumn