The Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) is thrilled to present perhaps the most startling science news to date: the CIA has confirmed the existence of Area 51. The long-suspected secret testing ground in Nevada (secret in the sense that Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky was secret) has finally been verified as a testing ground for advanced aircraft. Declassified documents state that the area, not far from Las Vegas, has been used as a cutting-edge aviation test ground for the U2 (the spy plane, not the Irish rock band), the SR-71 Blackbird, and stealth aircraft. No mention was made of UFO’s or aliens.
JZ-BS reporters, investigators, snoops, and busy-bodies have been constantly working tirelessly around the clock 24/7 without ceasing to break this story, and they are now definitely broken. Yes, the contributions of the JZ-BS team to the birth of this long-gestating story cannot be underestimated. One of the many truths uncovered by our tireless sleuths is that the JZ-BS and the CIA share a common motto: a half-truth is twice as good as a quarter-truth.
And now, we are proud to present an exclusive interview with the most renowned and photogenic scientific authority within twelve parsecs, outside of Captain Kirk. We are referring, of course, to Dr. Miso Kooku, PhD (Phenomenally heady Dude). Dr. Kooku is seen daily, if not more often, on major newscasts, news magazines, weather programs, You Tube, I Tube, He Tube, She Tube and It Tube. He’s also working on a way to transmit himself directly into your brain.
JZ-BS: Welcome, Dr. Kooku. How’s you?
Dr. Kooku: I’m very smart.
JZ-BS: Yes, we know.
Dr. Kooku: Just so you understand that.
JZ-BS: We understand that.
Dr. Kooku: I don’t think you’re smart enough to totally understand that.
JZ-BS: Probably not. But let’s plunge on anyway. So, the CIA has admitted that there really is an Area 51. What took so long?
Dr. Kooku: They couldn’t find it.
JZ-BS: That’s alarming.
Dr. Kooku: Not really. You have to understand, for years the CIA thought they themselves were just a rumor.
JZ-BS: That’s hard to believe.
Dr. Kooku: I have 17 PhD’s. Doubt me at your own peril. They thought the NSA just made them up as a joke.
JZ-BS: Whoa – now you’re putting me on.
Dr. Kooku: And you’re putting me off, newsmonger. It’s true.
JZ-BS: Moving on, I see top-secret Area 51 is just a jet-pack ride from Las Vegas. What’s up with that?
Dr. Kooku: Yes, that was done on purpose. I mean, people in Vegas are so wacked out from constant gambling and partying that they wouldn’t notice if a flying saucer flew up their nose. It’s the perfect location.
That’s all we have time for in today’s installment of the Joe Zone Bureau of Science, where startling science news is always delivered at the speed of light to your smartphone, although we may sometimes overshoot it and vaporize your large-screen TV. Join us next time for part two of our interview, when we hear Dr. Kooku say: “Duck! It’s an alleged saucer!”