We gaze in the Misty Mirror today to bring the world of apps into focus. Smartphone users are always hunting for and hungry for the newest, trendiest apps. The reason they’re always hungry is that today’s apps aren’t satisfying. Like the worst kinds of junk foods, most apps are lightweight and packed with non-nutritive fillers, leaving the user craving something with more substance. In the Joe Zone, we’re all about healthy, nutritious apps that leave the user satisfied, and with lower cholesterol levels. Down with Twinkie™ apps!
A perusal of the list of top-selling apps shows many are games involving zany animals and deranged birds. Combat scenario apps are huge. Zombies are also making a respectable showing (which is a sentence I never thought I would write). The sad truth revealed by this trend is that software developers have fallen into an unimaginative rut and are turning out lame apps. The real problem is that these apps are not useful. The majority of apps have a common objective, which is the same objective as all smartphones and home computers: to waste as much of our time on this Earth as possible.
Warning: major train of thought derailment ahead! You may have noticed I capitalized “Earth.” This is somewhat controversial, as many people use a small “e” when referring to our mother planet. I say that’s no way to treat your mother. We capitalize Venus and Mars, right? The same with Saturn and Neptune. For heaven’s sake, we even capitalize lowly “I used to be a planet” Pluto, which has been relegated to the Former Planet Hall of Shame. (Ugly rumors persist that Pluto is about to be traded to another solar system, for an asteroid to be named later.) Let’s stand up for Ma Earth! We now return you to our previous rambling diatribe.
The Joe Zone says give all those lame apps on your phone a pink slip, and slip into these useful apps, as envisioned in the Misty Mirror.
* Fashion Valet – this app tells you if your shirt goes with your pants. Guys, amaze your wife – get dressed without her help! Just seeing the stupefied look on her face when she realizes you aren’t color blind and fashion deficient will be well worth the price. As a bonus, the app will also tell you if you can wear white socks with your outfit, and provide firm guidance on brown shoes and their place in the universe.
* Future Cam – Cell phone cameras have been progressively improving, but are still far short of their potential. The Future Cam app takes clear, sharp photos of the future, from five seconds to one hour ahead. Want to see how that haircut will turn out before you actually get it? Set the future cam for thirty minutes, snap a self-portrait, and – voila! A little less off the top, please. Use for gambling assistance at your own risk. HAZARD WARNING: Future Cam causes heavy power usage and may lead to battery overheating or explosion. Carrying cell phone in pants pocket not recommended after multiple exposures.
* Friend Generator – Home alone, and nothing is popping on social media sites? Nobody responding to your text messages? Stand back, step aside, and move over, Rover, here comes the Friend Generator app! Just open the app, spin the Friend Generator wheel, and an electronic Random Amicable Best Buddy Instant Telecommunicator (RABBIT) will, quick as a bunny, be on your phone and at your service – laughing at your jokes, dishing the juiciest gossip, and feeding your ego until it explodes. The Friend Generator makes people totally unnecessary, so order yours today.
The Misty Mirror is really fogging up now, so we’ll continue our tour of App World at a later date, probably before the turn of the century. Just imagine, we’ve only covered the “F” apps – wait till we get to the “Q’s”!