Breaking News! The Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS), committed to keeping you informed about the latest in scientific breakthroughs, break-ins, and break dances, presents my most disturbing web toot to date. In a scenario eerily similar to a scene from Star Wars, a high intensity laser beam was recently fired across Earth’s bow. Well, relatively recently. On the astronomical scale, that is. Say, about 60 million years ago.
As the above photo clearly and unequivocally documents, a distant star fired a beam at us. (I’m sure this is one thing even Democrats and Republicans can agree on). Was it the Death Star? No, silly, that was long, long, ago in a galaxy far, far, away. And I don’t think they actually fired it at us, because the star is about 60 million light-years away. Which means it took the beam 60 million years to get here. Which means they were shooting at the dinosaurs.
I have to wonder what a dinosaur could do to irritate someone 60 million light-years away so much, that they resort to sophisticated interstellar weaponry. One would think that anyone sufficiently sophisticated to develop such technology would be immune from the impulse to use it. Oh, wait. Never mind.
Maybe they were galactic big game hunters.
Of course, you’ll point out that if they were smart enough to know how to build the weapon, they were smart enough to know the dinosaurs would be gone by the time the beam arrived at Earth. I’ll point out that they were also probably smart enough to extrapolate what the Earth would be like when the beam arrived. They’d know mankind would be overrunning the planet. They’d know mankind would have devolved into a pack of snarling nitwits. You’ll point out that you’re not one. I’ll point out that I’m insulted that you didn’t point out that I’m also not one. You’ll point out that I didn’t point that out, either. I’ll point out that I’ve totally lost track of the point. Hey, we could be presidential debaters!
The quandary now is this: did they fire more than one shot? Each beam would take 60 million years to arrive. So if they fired shots, say, a day apart, we’d be seeing beams arrive every day. Now, this first beam was seen on the second Tuesday of last week. So that means a number of days have gone by with no additional fire. That could be a good sign. Or maybe they took some time to adjust their aim. Or re-lase their laser. Or take in the latest Twilight flick.
Geez, where’s Yoda when we need him? I’m sure he would have some sage advice. The Joe Zone Bureau of Science will be looking for Yoda, or Obi-Wan, or anyone but Jar Jar Binks for guidance, so stay tuned for further updates. I’m sure you remember and trust in the JZ-BS creed: A half-truth is twice as good as a quarter-truth.