In our latest edition of Startling Science News, the Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ – BS) has exclusively learned that Dairy Queen is close to unleashing a major advancement in frozen treat technology: they will be able to beam ice cream cakes directly into customers’ freezers. Joe Zone reporters have been working tirelessly (well, maybe they get a little tired when they miss their naps) to out-flank SEE-NN, Fawkes News, and The Bunion, and bring you the straight scoop on this ice cream breaking news. I mean BREAKING NEWS!
The leader in subzero snacks has been working closely with NASA and Disney Studios to perfect teleportation technology, for the benefit of soft serve aficionados. Dairy Queen is conducting a major test program, which has had its misadventures.
Early in the test phase, DQ experienced a recurring problem of missing the freezer, with the cake materializing in the oven. In one instance, the ice cream cake landed in the breadbox, ruining a loaf of rye bread and six hot dog buns. Fortunately, no doughnuts were harmed.
In the worst accident, which DQ reportedly (by our JZ reporters, unless they just made it up) attempted to cover up, a 10 inch cake with fudge and crunch center and yellow whipped cream roses, was errantly beamed directly onto the head of a young boy who happened to be getting leftover chicken nuggets out of the refrigerator. The unfortunate lad was inflicted with a world-class case of brain freeze. (Note: the boy is doing fine, after having been life-flighted to a 24-hour sauna, and given intravenous hot chocolate.)
Details of the beaming technology are still being worked out, including the ability to teleport money directly out of the customer’s wallet.
And if you’re not startled by this latest Startling Science News, then maybe you have a sprained startle reflex. Or maybe you’re simply in need of Restorative Energy Startle Transfusion (REST). In any case, be sure to let the JZ-BS always be your science news source, with exclusive elusive conclusive content.
Did someone mention a nap?