As any Facebook user knows, FB uses unfathomable logic to determine the posts you see on your newsfeed. I suspect that the methodology was developed in conjunction with the CIA, the Pentagon, and a wandering mob of preteens who have had no actual contact with real people.
The first thing I notice about my feed is that it’s obvious that Facebook knows which of my Facebook friends (hereafter referred to as Ffriends) I like the most, and which I deeply regret ever having encountered and hope they can’t track me down at my residence (hereafter referred to as Ffiends). My newsfeed is bulging with maniacal posts from Ffiends, and almost devoid of posts from Ffriends. There are also numerous ads (”suggested posts” – hahahahaha!) for bizarre products and services that mankind has spent most of its million-year-plus existence without. I think I can last a few more years deprived of them.
Facebook seems to inhabit a different space-time continuum than we do. It’s not unusual to have the likes of this haunt your newsfeed (from a news or weather source): “Dive into the ground! Burrow under your basement! Protect yourself NOW! Biblical rains and hypersonic winds are descending on your head!”
After I’ve fainted, I wake up to see that this post is dated 36 hours ago, and the Facebook geniuses decided to wait till now to show it to me . Thank you, FB. Way to look out for me. I hope the hypersonic winds are coming your way next.
Maybe Facebook simply needs a new watch. They never seem to know what time it is, or even what day it is. They love to fill my newsfeed with posts from yesterday:
“Your Ffriend is going to an event at the International Space Station.”
Hey, cool, I’d like to go, too – oh, wait, it was yesterday. Thanks, Facebook.
Facebook has also taught me to be careful about hitting the “like” button for commercial pages. I recently saw this interesting item on my feed:
“Your Ffriend Brunhilda likes Purina Dog Chow.”
Really? I must say I’m rather surprised about that. I thought Brunhilda had more discriminating tastes.
I suppose I should take it easy on Facebook, though. After all, I use it to announce new blog posts and other developments in my writing career (stop snorting – yes, I call it a career). Not that I have any reason to suspect that Facebook will take it personally and try to retaliate or any#@$%**& bleep bloop – Joe Potts is a big dummy whose writing is crummy. Ignore his posts and blogs *&^%$& bleep bloop.
I’m sure they’ll take it all in good humor.