The movie version of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit had a huge opening weekend. The Peter Jackson prequel to The Lord of the Rings earned about 85 million dollars in the U.S. alone. Worldwide, The Hobbit earned 223 million dollars in its first weekend, which is roughly the value of the gold and jewels of Smaug’s treasure, or about as much as the federal government spends in seven minutes.
Actually, the movie is only the beginning of the book, covering approximately the first nine pages. The remainder of the book will be parceled out in sequels over the next 35 years, by which time Ian McKellan, who plays the wizard Gandalf, will have to do his role via séance.
The movies will be padded somewhat by adding content from other authentic sources, such as The Lord of the Rings appendices and Tolkien’s grocery lists. But in the Joe Zone, such sources are considered second best. Why not go right to the Hobbit’s mouth, so to speak?
Since modern physicists tell us (and we always believe them) that quantum mechanics and cosmology both support the idea of multiple universes, and indeed that all possible universes exist, the solution is blindingly obvious. Simply hop in the Joe-ma-Tron, and head for the universe where the Middle Earth saga really happened. So, we visited the universe where Bilbo, Gandalf, Thorin, Smaug, and all the other characters exist. As proof, the above picture (taken by Mrs. Zone on her cell phone) captures the instant the Joe-ma-Tron pierced the boundary from our universe into Bilbo’s.
I tracked down Bilbo at his hole in the ground in Bag-End.
Joe: Bilbo, you have many fans in the Joe Zone who want to hear more about your adventure. What was your favorite part?
Bilbo Baggins: The breakfast when we got back to Bag-End.
Joe: Yes, I’m sure. But what about during the adventure? The trolls, the giant spiders, the goblins, the dragon?
BB: I wasn’t very happy about any of that. And I noticed that Gandalf managed to miss most of it. Tricksy wizard!
Joe: You seem to have picked up some of Gollum’s mannerisms.
BB: I think it’s the ring. It seems to steal some of its wearer’s essence. So if you were to put it on, you might get big hairy feet.
Joe: Uh – no thank you.
BB: But you’d be invisible!
Joe: I come close enough to that already. So, your sword, Sting – it glows blue when goblins are around?
BB: Oh, yes, but much more than that. It’s quite full of elven magic.
Joe: So it’s true it can locate cookies, then?
BB: Yes, it glows yellow around cookies. And purple around burgers. But my favorite is when it glows pink. That means female hobbits are near.
Joe: I don’t think we want to go there.
BB: Speak for yourself.
Joe: And the name “Sting” doesn’t sound very intimidating. I mean, ferocious goblins are attacking you, and you’re threatening them with a bee’s weapon.
BB: Goblins are allergic to bees. They’d rather face a herd of stampeding lambs.
Joe: Lambs? Are you joking?
BB: I never joke before breakfast. Wild lambs are the fiercest, most feared creatures in Middle Earth.
Joe: Should I be worried that I’m wearing a wool jacket?
That’s all we have time for today. Join us next time, for the exciting sequel, when we hear Bilbo say: Where’s my second breakfast? I thought you were fixing me a mushroom and Spam omelet.