Hard as it is to believe, the Joe-Pourri news feature of the Joe Zone is now one year old. Like most one-year-olds, it can’t speak coherently, but that doesn’t stop it. So here’s your news told straight and true, like no other source will do:
- The 2016 primary season is now mercifully behind us, with Donald “Mexico will pay for the wall” Trump and Hillary “What difference does it make?” Clinton emerging from the muck as the presumptive nominees of their parties. This is wonderful news for America, if “presumptive” means “there’s no way on God’s green Earth this person is the victor.”
- Hillary Clinton is to be congratulated for achieving a first in American politics. She has become the first woman nominated for president while being the subject of an FBI investigation. With her usual calm demeanor, and not looking at all like a loon, she remarked, “I can be a better president than Trump even if I have to do it from the Big House instead of the White House.”
- Hillary husband, Bill “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is” Clinton expressed his readiness to step in if Hillary becomes – uh, incapacitated. “We were a tag team before, we can do it again,” he said. “And I’m not talking about our White House jello matches.”
- In response to the Orlando tragedy, Donald Trump became the first presidential candidate to endorse the Archie Bunker solution to bad guys with guns. The “pass out pistols to the passengers” approach to ending hijacking would be expanded under his watch to include night clubs, malls, Wal-Marts, and daycare centers. Only children who can prove they are potty-trained would be given weapons, though.
- Hillary upped the ante (politicians rarely down the ante) on personal attacks by revealing that her team has discovered that the “J” in Donald J. Trump stands for “Jalapeno,” adding further to the speculation he was born in Mexico.
- TV networks are reportedly battling over who will air the next gen reality show, either “Keeping Up with the Clintons” or “ Trump – Apprentice President,” depending on election results.
- Leaving the mundane behind, Joe-Pourri now takes you into the realm of “even harder to believe than American politics.” Yes, we’re going into outer space – unfortunately, only figuratively. NASA’s Jupiter spacecraft Juno recently set a record for the longest journey by a solar-powered probe. It has traveled over 500 million miles. Although it has not yet reached Jupiter, Juno has already discovered the remains of a failed Trump casino, and a stash of Hillary Clinton emails.
- In a patriotic bit of timing, Juno is scheduled to enter orbit around Jupiter on July 4. Unfortunately, there is also bad news – NASA announced that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are not on board the spacecraft.
Luckily, that’s all we have time for, as Joe is obviously overdue for a nap. Join us the next time the hands on the Joe Zone digital clock are pointing straight up, for our straight-up news. And remember the Joe-Pourri motto: A half-truth is twice as good as a quarter-truth.