The Joe Zone is pleased as all poppycock to present the inaugural Joe-Pourri of 2016, and the tenth or eleventh in the series, depending on whether you use Common Core math. And they said it couldn’t last. Actually, they said it shouldn’t last. They said, please, no, anything but that! But when the news-scape is a vast and nasty veracity-starved wasteland, then Joe-Pourri is poised to step in through the straits of straight-scoop and lay the poop on you. Figuratively speaking.
- Speaking of inaugural, a sigh of relief wheezed its way across the country as weary Americans rejoiced that the long presidential campaign finally ended. This was followed by a shriek of horror as Americans realized it only seemed like the campaign had been going on forever, but in reality the first caucus and primary had not been held yet. Calls to suicide-prevention hotlines skyrocketed.
- On the sports scene, North Korea claimed to have scored on a long bomb of the hydrogen variety, but the United States threw the challenge flag and demanded the blast be reviewed by U.N. officials. During the confusion, Iran tried to sneak on the field with the hidden ball trick, but was thwarted by a mandatory self-inspection, which revealed they had been cheating, incurring a 15 yard penalty with loss of down.
- El Nino continued to ravage the western states with floods and the eastern states with record high December temperatures. Panic ensued in Australia due to the intense heat, until cooler heads prevailed and pointed out it was summer there.
- Financial markets are off to a good start for 2016, with the Dow only plummeting 900 and some odd points (I don’t know why they’re never even points) in the first four trading days. Boy, now those naysayers predicting a plunge look mighty foolish. The White Hose, I mean House, pointed out that the positive economic effects of the Affordable Care Act are largely responsible for the market staying as healthy as it is.
- As Joe-Pourri likes to end with a good joke, we scoured the country (and boy, did it need it) for the best jokes, and found this the clear winner: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are still the leading presidential candidates. No, really. I’m not kidding.
Once again the hands on the digital clock show it’s nap time in the Joe Zone, so join us next time when Joe-Pourri takes a look at the news in alternate universes, where we’re hoping things are going better.