Joe-Pourri gets you ready for the weekend, with all the up-to-the-minute news, so you can impress your friends with what a know-it-all you are.
• The New York Stock Exchange, the Wall Street Journal, and United Airlines all ground to a halt Wednesday, victims of computer outages. Frantic calls to IT help lines were answered with, “try shutting it down and restarting.” I’m just glad that, as a nation, we haven’t come to rely on unreliable devices for anything really important, like financial institutions, transportation, communications, electric power, defense…
• In local news, the New Horizons space probe will arrive at Pluto next week after a journey of nine and a half years. Actually, it’s a flyby, so New Horizons won’t be stopping. You’d think after that long of a trip, it would want to rest and get a bite to eat, or suck up some local flavor or plunder Pluto’s resources in the name of mankind. The trip would have been shorter, but direct flights to Pluto were scrapped when it was demoted from big boy planet status. The probe had to go through the hub planet Jupiter, with a three year layover. Of course, there’s absolutely nothing to do in Jupiter’s spaceport. An additional delay occurred when it took New Horizons a year and a half to get through the Jupiter security line. Try explaining a plutonium-powered nuclear battery to an overworked TSA agent stuck on Jupiter.
• The weather forecast calls for continued drought in the West, floods in the East, and hallucinogenic haze over Colorado. Congress is debating (as usual) the merits of lowering the elevation of the western half of the country, so the excess water in the East will flow into the parched western states.
Rest assured that Joe-Pourri will be working to bring you the latest in snickers and snark. We work tirelessly, sometimes for as long as fifteen minutes at a stretch, to gather the hottest morsels for your consumption. Anyone else in the mood for a snack? Anyway, remember our Joe Zone motto: “When you’re sleeping, we’re sleeping, too.”