Joe-Pourri is back with the latest news that we see fit, so pull up a digital chair. Whenever news breaks, or at least bends, Joe-Pourri will boogie down the internet runway, to take off and bring you the latest sizzle on events that may or may not actually be happening – just like the major news sources.
- The 2016 Summer Olympics are poised to start in Rio de Janeiro. This Olympiad’s “Signature Olympic Crisis” is the Zika virus, unless it’s the Russian doping scandal, unless it’s the polluted water fiasco. Personally, Joe-Pourri reporters are into the water, so to speak, as that crisis displays a certain creativity and modern angst.
- Olympians have been warned to not “put their heads underwater,” as the waters in Rio are reportedly polluted with trash, human waste, and, presumably, swarms of Zika-carrying mosquitos. And that’s in the Olympic swimming pools. Whether the water is safe to drink has not been addressed.
- Although the opening ceremonies are Friday, the Games have begun, as soccer matches were started early. This is because a typical soccer game lasts longer than the Olympics are scheduled for. Of course, the sport Americans call “soccer,” most of the world calls “football.” There is more universal agreement on calling it “boring.”
- Speaking of games, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced she disliked negative campaigning and was going to focus instead on “getting her message out there.” (“Out there” being the operative phrase.) As the Democratic convention ended, the airwaves were swamped with her first round of ads, proclaiming that her message is that Donald Trump is a disgusting, unfit candidate who would be more at home in the waters of Rio de Janeiro.
- On the Republican side, Donald Trump expanded his blistering criticism to include fellow GOP members, refusing to endorse Paul Ryan and John McCain in their primaries. He also lashed out at crying babies. His ire was then directed at puppies and bunnies, pledging to rid the country of them.
- OK, let’s take a shower and move on with the news. NASA’s Juno spacecraft reached the vicinity of Jupiter on July 4th, after a journey of half a billion miles. It is now in a large eccentric orbit, similar to Hillary and Donald, and will make its closest approach to the gas giant (by which I mean Jupiter) on August 27th. The craft’s scientific instruments , which till now have been turned off (just like American voters), will be switched on for this pass within 2600 miles of the Jovian clouds. While scientists do not expect to find life, there is hope of finding Hillary Clinton’s emails and Donald Trump’s tax returns, and both of their consciences.
The patented Joe-Pourri Obnox-o-meter says that’s all we can stand for now, and the hands on the Joe Zone digital clock are pointing skyward. And so as Joe-Pourri slinks back into the shadows, brace yourself for the next edition of illusion and delusion, served with the same objectivity as the major news outlets you’ve come to be wary of. (Note to editorial staff: get rid of that preposition that the last sentence ends with. That one, too.)