Joe Potts – Author, Blogger, Humor-For-Hire.

You're traveling through a wondrous dimension of humor and shadow, of imagination and mist. Welcome to my website! Wander around a bit and see what’s up. If the mists get too thick, well, some things look better in the fog anyway. So come back often to The Joe Zone – and bring your friends. That way, if you get lost, or marooned here, at least you’re together. Not that people get marooned here. Very often. For very long. Signpost up ahead, your next stop – The Joe Zone!

Joe-Pourri: Pope Francis Rumored to be in U.S.

SPECIAL EDITION: Joe-Pourri is investigating unsubstantiated reports of Pope sightings in the United States. The number of eyewitnesses claiming to have seen Pope Francis is growing by the hour. However, people make notoriously bad eyewitnesses. Joe-Pourri has determined that over the same period there were a similar number of Elvis sightings.

Joe-Pourri is also skeptical because studies have shown that the average person has difficulty distinguishing key facial features at distances over 50 feet. This explains why, for example, the Pope is often confused with Justin Bieber.

Nevertheless, unverified sightings are being reported of the Pope-Mobile, the Pope-o-Plane, and the Good Ship Lolli-Pope.

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Autumn Redux (and Possibly Geese)

(This is a somewhat modified version of a post originally from 2013)

Regular Zoners will recall that we have been celebrating the arrival of each new season. We last partied for the summer solstice (“The Four Seasons, Part 2: Summer Hot, Summer Hotter,” June 21, 2013). So once again we drag out the Joe Zone nuclear-powered microscope, and examine the season of autumn, which fell with a thud on the northern hemisphere September 23 at 4:22 AM EDT. Did you hear it?

Ah, autumn! What is so fair as a midsummer night’s dream of autumn, when frost has dusted the pumpkin patch and blanketed the grass, which still needs to be mowed because it won’t stop growing in this cursed damp, dreary, chilly season that reminds us that aging and death – well, maybe I’m getting carried away. Autumn, actually, is often the fairest of times, with mild weather and pleasant temperatures. Of course, occasionally Mother Nature will throw the odd hurricane or blizzard at us, but on the whole this season is usually a mellow time. This year, it’s very dry, so maybe we’ll make up for it by being buried in winter snow.

Autumn is sometimes referred to as “fall.” This is because come September and October, so many things are falling – leaves, temperatures, raindrops, hems, footballs, meteors, the stock market. Even gasoline prices are falling, primarily to confuse us. Also falling is the number of daylight hours, which of course means that the number of nightlight hours is increasing.

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Joe-Pourri News Flash!

Yes, it’s true, Joe-Pourri is back again with its ninth edition. Where’s DDT when you need it? Here’s a roundup of the hottest and freshest news morsels, some even fit for human consumption.

  • The IRS has ‘fessed up that they were caught with their pants down even farther than previously reported. Cyber thieves stole tax forms of 334,000 Americans, rather than the paltry 114,000 previously reported. The IRS is offering free credit protection to those affected. Gee, thanks. Could they possibly be more careless with our money? The Joe Zone staff thinks the victims should also be absolved from paying taxes for one year. A national sales tax sounds pretty good – bye, bye, IRS!
  • A “secret” deal will allow Iran to use its own inspectors at a site where it has been accused of developing nuclear weapons, according to the Associated Press. I plan to ask the Obama administration for an agreement that I will inspect my own income and send in the appropriate amount of taxes. No IRS involvement necessary. I figure they should trust fellow Americans at least as much as they trust Iran.
  • NASA scientists reported an explosion on the moon visible to the naked eye. No, it wasn’t Donald Trump squaring off against Hillary Clinton. It was the 56,000 mph impact of a space boulder (meteorite), creating a crater 65 feet wide. Fortunately, it didn’t hit the plaque left behind by Neil and Buzz.
  • Extra! Extra! This just in! Speaking of astronauts, Apollo 16 astronaut (and the sixth man to walk on the moon) Edgar Mitchell has stated that aliens helped prevent nuclear war between the US and USSR during the Cold War. While the Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) continues to investigate the accuracy of this claim, we’ll just make a highly rare editorial comment and say that if proven to be true, we hope they’re still around. Things are more royally screwed up than ever, and we need all the aliens and angels we can get.
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Joe-Pourri Escapes

The Joe Zone is as surprised as you are by this new edition of Joe-Pourri. Despite intense efforts of containment, Joe-Pourri the Eighth has slipped its bonds, as apparently Joe has slipped the feathery bonds of lucidity.

  • NASA scientists and other meteorological whiz-bangs are predicting a “Godzilla El Nino” for the fall and winter seasons. Current water temperatures in the Pacific show the potential for this year’s El Nino to be stronger than that of 1997, which was the previous strongest on record, and generally considered to be equivalent to Mothra. “And everyone knows Godzilla can kick Mothra’s butt,” a NASA expert said (although it’s possible he was just a monster movie geek). El Nino can heavily influence weather worldwide, including bringing severe storms to parts of the country, and heavy rain to the West. Drought-weary Californians may be wishing this El Nino is Godzilla, Mothra, and King Kong rolled into one.
  • Recent polls have shown that a narrow majority of Americans think there should be a criminal investigation over Hillary Clinton’s use of personal email while Secretary of State. For example, a University of Kumquat poll showed 153% of Republicans think there should be an investigation, while –136% of Democrats think there should be one. Another recent poll, conducted in my head, shows that many Americans are incapable of independent thought.
  • Perhaps the most telling political poll of all revealed that a majority of Americans think there should be a criminal investigation into Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton being the leading presidential candidates.

And so as Joe-Pourri skulks back into the murky shadows, America hunkers down for a long, grueling, mind-numbing, interminable presidential campaign season. The only apparent cause for hope is the possibility of being bludgeoned by El Nino, which will seem like blessed relief by comparison.

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Joe-Pourri VII

The Joe Zone proudly presents Joe-Pourri VII. Yes, against all odds and reason, the seventh installment in the semi-popular series (ranking just behind impacted teeth and rabies in popularity) is taking flight, assisted by the hot air currents emanating from the burgeoning field of presidential candidates.

 

  • Fans of political spectacles are salivating in anticipation of the Republican debacle – I mean debate. Only the top 150 candidates are participating. The stage is being reinforced due to the weight, and the walls are being let out due to the egos. Political pundits are eagerly laying down their bets as to who will trump the field. The remaining candidates booked a group tour of the White House, in anticipation of never again having the opportunity to see it.
  • In the interests of equal time, we now switch to the donkey front. Hillary Clinton reportedly is balking at turning over the stone tablets she used for classified correspondence while Secretary of State. “They were all safe, encrypted messages,” she avowed. “They were in hieroglyphics.” She bristled at suggestions that she was guilty of wrongdoing. “Guilty and Clinton have never appeared together in the same sentence,” she said. “Well, at least not until that last sentence. Besides, I bring the same level of – what’s that word? Oh, yes, integrity – to everything I do. And especially to everything I don’t.”
  • On the solar system beat, scientists continue to search for asteroids that could threaten the Earth. Experts, however, believe an asteroid impact is unlikely in the near future. A poll revealed that a majority of Americans are disappointed with that assessment, as they were hoping for an asteroid hit before the presidential debates.
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Joe-Pourri, Weekend Bouquet Edition

We’ve caught just enough time between naps to allow the Joe Zone’s newest and most unacquired taste, Joe-Pourri, to once again rise out of the mosquito-infested marsh and take to the runway for another attempt at takeoff. If you’re among the readers/hackers/spammers who have been with us for all five Joe-Pourri sojourns, then that might actually make some sense. So close your eyes and hold your breath and your stomach, here we go with the all new weekend edition:

 

  • The New Horizons space probe whizzed past Pluto this week at over 30,000 miles per hour, frenetically snapping pictures. Tourists everywhere can relate to that. Pluto evidently has a heart-shaped formation on its surface. Here at the JZ, we suspect the Plutonians made it just for us, to show that there are no hard feelings over its dwarf status. Perhaps in reciprocation, New Horizon mission specialists have thrown Pluto a bone, now referring to it as “The King of the Kuiper Belt.” New Ho, as we like to call it, then headed to its next destination, the Outer Limits of the huge rock and dust-filled area beyond the traditional “solar system” known as the Kuiper Belt.
  • Economic turmoil continues in Greece, as leaders struggle to deal with debt of Olympic proportions. Lawmakers voted to accept stringent austerity measures in exchange for a bailout from European nations. Really, one would think the popularity of Greek yogurt alone would be sufficient to provide ample income.
  • Scientists are predicting that the sun’s output will be reduced by up to 60% within 15 to 20 years, leading to significantly lower temperatures on planet Earth. The JZ has long held that global warming may be the only thing to save us from the coming ice age. However, given the conflicting forces at work, it’s tough to know whether to invest in furnaces or air conditioners.
  • In the meteorological realm, the whether men are predicting a variable chance of flooding downpours or clearing skies by the end of the weekend or later. Here’s your Joe-to-Go, from the JZ Take-Out Window: On the bright side, the sun is not expected to go nova this week.
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Joe-Pourri, Late-Breaking Friday Edition

Joe-Pourri gets you ready for the weekend, with all the up-to-the-minute news, so you can impress your friends with what a know-it-all you are.

• The New York Stock Exchange, the Wall Street Journal, and United Airlines all ground to a halt Wednesday, victims of computer outages. Frantic calls to IT help lines were answered with, “try shutting it down and restarting.” I’m just glad that, as a nation, we haven’t come to rely on unreliable devices for anything really important, like financial institutions, transportation, communications, electric power, defense…

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Joe-Pourri, Lighting Up Your Monday

Joe-Pourri is back, in spite of popular demand. Here’s the lowdown on the hijinks that are lighting up our iPhones and tablets, and causing them to run slower than before, if possible:

• Rockets hauling supplies to the International Space Station are blowing up pretty regularly lately. If I were an ISS astronaut, I’d be wishing I’d packed a few peanut butter sandwiches. (Luckily, there’s plenty of oxygen in space, so – never mind.) And if I were an astronaut waiting to be blasted to the station atop a rocket, I’d be wishing I worked at a peanut butter factory.
• The political scene took a bizarre turn over the weekend. Yes, I know that’s redundant. Campaign aides for Hillary “All You Need to Know is I’m a Woman, so Vote for Me” Clinton corralled journalists with a rope during an Independence Day parade attended by Ms. Clinton in New Hampshire. The reporters were described as being “somewhat dragged,” in order to keep them away from the candidate, who evidently wanted to be independent of the media. I find that somewhat of a drag. The former senator, secretary of state, and co-emperor describes herself as being the “most transparent” candidate. Perhaps she means “most pale.” In any event, no reporters were actually hogtied or branded, perhaps because apparently none were from Fox News.
• MLB All-Star voting is in full swing, and here in the Joe Zone, we hope it strikes out. Fan voting never made much sense to me. It’s popular with the fans, of course, but it can lead to weird results. Well-known 38 year old players batting .190 can be chosen over 25 year old phenoms batting .360. Voting is often a popularity contest rather than based on merit. Ballot box stuffing is common. Many fans know little or nothing about whom they’re voting for. It makes no more sense than having the general populace voting in a presidential election. Wait a minute…
• A bird flu virus this spring has resulted in an egg shortage, causing higher egg prices and reduced availability. Why this has not also resulted in a chicken shortage has experts baffled.

Join us next time, when we hear Joe say, “Is Joe-Pourri ahead of 60 Minutes in the ratings yet?”

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Joe-Pourri, Back Again

Evidently antibiotics don’t work on Joe-Pourri, so it’s back again. Here’s the latest Joe-stew of various happenings, goings-on, and shenanigans. If you’re trying to lose weight, then consider it a salad instead.

• The St. Louis Cardinals are being investigated by the FBI for possible cheating. The storied ballclub allegedly hacked into the Houston Astros’ computer network and stole information on players, possible trades, and bat corking techniques. If true, one might wonder why they would pick such a target. Perhaps the Cardinals’ spring training exercises might be expanded to include risk/reward analysis. At least we now understand why the redbirds depicted on the Cardinal uniforms are wearing masks.
• In related news, a recent study, performed in my head, found that the only sports team in America that is not cheating is a pre-school girls soccer team in Provo, Utah. And they are currently performing a risk/reward analysis.
• A recent study not performed in my head, but by the Indiana University Bloomington, found that watching cat videos is good for you. The study found that people who watch cat videos are more positive afterward, with fewer negative emotions. So go ahead, America, watch those cat videos guilt-free. And if you’re a cat owner, get the same calming effect by watching your cats as they shred your furniture and spew juicy furballs on your rugs.
• Here’s your Joe-to-Go, from the JZ Take-Out window: The lowlight for the day on the Western PA medical front is that spokesmen for both Highmark Insurance and UPMC have denied that their battle is to the death. “No,” said a clandestine figure representing UPMC. “Death will not end this.” “That’s one point we agree on,” said a Highmark furtive figure, on condition of anonymity. “We intend to continue this battle into the afterlife.”
Join us next time for an even more fragrant serving of Joe-Pourri, exclusively in the Joe Zone.

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Joe-Pourri, Part Deux

Unexpectedly, Joe-Pourri is back for another gallop down the runway. Let’s see what’s happening today:

• Internet historians are playing Sherlock to discover the day that the phrase “going viral” went viral. In related developments, Joe-Pourri appears to be number 23,345,765 in the “waiting to go viral” queue. Thinking of switching to the “catching a virus” line, which is much shorter.
• Are you aware that June is Brain Awareness month? Unfortunately, since I found out, I’ve been obsessively aware of my brain. I became aware that it itched a little, and I can’t reach it to scratch. Also, I don’t think my brain fits quite right in my skull. The right side seems to bump into my head bone, and the left side is too loose. Well, I’m sure next month, when it isn’t Brain Awareness month, I’ll forget all about it.
• Word from Capitol Hill is that Congress is considering opening a chic new breakfast bistro in the Capitol Rotunda, serving hot, fresh waffles. A final vote is expected by the end of the decade.
• Yesterday was the longest day of the year. Thank heaven that’s over. Of course, “longest day” means the most daylight hours. Vampires really hate that day, as it leave so little time for skulking and such.
Join us next time, when Joe-Pourri takes another ramble through the woods of the latest global happenings.

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