The polar vortex is making multiple visits to much of the United States this winter, inflicting misery on millions of people, animals, polliwogs, and mosquitoes. Unprecedented bitter cold, ice, and snow have been ravaging the country, pillaging and looting along the way.
Winter has apparently taken umbrage with some words that could be interpreted as negative in my previous blog post, “The Four Seasons, Part 4: Winter” (December 22, 2013). So, we can safely add “no sense of humor” to winter’s shortcomings. Fortunately, the Joe Zone has access to the world’s foremost authorities and smartypantses (note: remember to check on plural of smartypants).
We therefore without delay bring you our exclusive interview with Dr. Miso Kooku. Known variously as the Great Explainer, the Supreme Dumb-it-Downer, and the Science Slut for a Buck, Dr. Kooku is just the man to lasso and hogtie the polar vortex, so we can put it under the Joe Zone nuclear-powered microscope, and see what the hey.
Joe Zone: Welcome, Dr. Kooku. I see you recently added five more PhD’s to your credentials. Congratulations! What field are they in?
Dr. Kooku: Nothing you would understand. Let’s just say I’m now a Jedi ninja boson particle master manipulator.
JZ: I see.
Dr. Kooku: No, you don’t.
JZ: True. Anyway, what’s up with this polar vortex thing? Is it bipolar, or what?
Dr. Kooku: I’ll handle the funny stuff, media boy.
JZ: Right. Well, what is a vortex, anyway?
Dr. Kooku: A vortex is an area of circular winds with a high degree of suck.
JZ: You said it!
Dr. Kooku: Yes, I did. And the polar vortex is a huge ring of high winds that normally encircles the North Pole.
JZ: Crazy! Does it have a particular function?
Dr. Kooku: Yes. Normally, the polar vortex protects Santa from the paparazzi.
JZ: Are you putting me on?
Dr. Kooku: Well, you certainly would have no way of knowing.
JZ: So true. Say, do you know the singular of paparazzi?
Dr. Kooku: Never start a question to me with, “Do you know…?”
JZ: Of course.
Dr. Kooku: The singular of paparazzi is “pizzaroni.” And, did you know that the polar vortex can be followed by the polar jackhammer, the polar pulverizer, and, ultimately, the polar black hole? So suck it up and prepare for the worst.
JZ: No, I didn’t know that.
Dr. Kooku: Of course you didn’t. Otherwise, I’d be interviewing you.
JZ: A frightening thought.
Dr. Kooku: You betcha.
Thus concluded our interview, as Dr. Kooku saddled up his fusion-powered snowmobile and space shuttle, and whizzed off to begin his coverage of the Winter Olympics.
Even if his departure hadn’t left me buried in a twelve foot snowdrift, I’d be ready for winter to be over. After my last titanic battle with snow and ice on my driveway and inside my nose, the polar vortex truly has me circling the drain. Fortunately, the drain is frozen solid. So rather than being swirled down the drain, I’ll merely be encased in a Joe-shaped block of ice until spring. Or maybe summer.
My eyeballs are now iceballs. The doctor assures me that when they thaw, my sight will return. But who knows how long it will take? All I can say is, through chattering teeth, “Thank heaven for global warming!”