Catching Fire, the second movie in the Hunger Games series, is rocking the box office as expected, bringing in something like eighteen quidzillion dollars in just a few weeks. To put that into perspective, the federal government, even on a slow day, spends that much money in about eighteen seconds. And Katniss thought her Capitol was bad!
The Joe Zone, in our passion to bring you the hottest scoops and the truest truths, is bursting with pride and sickeningly smug self-satisfaction to bring you the lowest lowdown on the Hunger Games. Yes, it’s time to dust off, rev up, and shake down the Joe-ma-Tron! As regular Zoners know, the Joe-ma-Tron is a combination time machine, teleporter, dream extractor, fantasy generator, and deluxe snack and gourmet beverage machine. It is equipped with interstellar radio, back-up beepers, and a Magic All Language Translator (MALT), so we can talk to anyone (some may recall the pre-MALT Julius Caesar/Latin fiasco).
Since physicists tell us that quantum mechanics and cosmology both support the concept of multiple universes, and indeed that all possible universes exist, we can hop in the Joe-ma-Tron, and head for the universe where the Hunger Games really happened. I am happy to report that I have already done so (so you can sit in your skivvies and read about it while enjoying a Dunkin Donut). I recorded the following interview from one of the principals in this melodrama, which I present to you with a straight face, a crooked smile, and a bill for $38.50 (apiece), to defray expenses and wear and tear on the Joe-ma-Tron.
JZ: OK, Pita, we’re rolling. What really happened in the Games?
PITA: Let me reveal, first of all, that Catless Evermean can be a real crusty shrew.
My name is Pita Mellowlark, the baker’s son, and I’ve been married to Catless for some years now. (What kind of a baker names his son Pita, anyway? It’s almost as bad a name as our old mentor, YoMitch Apothecary.)
It’s true that Catless is hot in an edgy way, what with being an archery freak and all, and I have to admit that in all the years I’ve known and loved her, she only shot me once. Admittedly that was in the head, but she was sorry afterward, and got her mother to doctor me back to health.
Her mother’s real good with doctoring, especially for someone who’s pretty bipolar. She said I could be affected in a lot of ways, depending on which particular brain cells were killed – speech, memory, crescent rolls, whatever. But I guess I was lucky, because in all honesty, I don’t notice any difference. And Catless is so supernaturally accurate with an arrow, it wouldn’t surprise me if she just shot through the empty spaces in my head on purpose.
Catless said she loves me, but she’s so out of touch with her feelings, I don’t think she remembers that at any given moment. Now, hate, that’s a different story. She’s got a long list committed to memory there. Sometimes I’m on it, sometimes not. But always at the top of that list is Butterbuns, her sister Prissypants’s cat. I have no idea why that is – Butterbuns loved and protected Prissypants as much as Catless herself. Maybe it’s a jealousy thing.
I must admit that Catless has mellowed over the years. I think just being a Mellowlark has helped her with that. You know how your name can affect who you are and what you do. Most days, while I’m making some astounding icing creations, she’s out back looking for small game to shoot, or maybe relaxing by kicking some neighborhood kittens. Nothing like her younger days, when she tore up all of Pandemonium.
Anyway, everything that people have heard about the Hunger Games came from Catless, so I thought a different perspective might be useful. Not that she isn’t always truthful, but she’s been known to be a bit messed up and, well, self-absorbed, so maybe her story skews a bit toward the Catless-centered universe. So, I’m going to set the record straight with a series of explosive, Shocking Truths about the Hungry Games.
You’ll hear spicy morsels about the Tributes. You’ll drool over slices of behind-the-scenes escapades of the mentors. You’ll savor salacious tidbits about host SeizeHer Flickertongue. But first, I’m going to break for some lunch. Sweet rolls, anyone?
So, with limited commercial interruption, here is:
SHOCKING TRUTH #1 – Catless Knew I Loved Her Before the Interviews
Do you really think a sixteen year old girl doesn’t know who’s into her? Especially when someone stalks her. Like I did. But she did a great job playing dumb during the SeizeHer Flickertongue interview, except for the parts they had to edit out. Such as this, brought to you exclusively by Mellowlark Bakeries, home of the Pita You Love to Eat-a:
FlickerTongue: So, Catless, Pita has revealed his undying love for you, in front of all of Pandemonium.
Catless: Yeah, he’s been making gooey-eyes over me since I was six. A little creepy, really.
FlickerTongue: But – I thought it was a surprise to you.
Catless: Oh! Right! Give me a break, YoMitch didn’t let me in on the script till last night, and he was totally stewed, so who knew if he was telling the truth? And that slut Fifi Twinkie has been trying to get her claws into him since…
Flickertongue: Cut! Makeup!
And that’s just the beginning. Better sit down, and butter up a delicious Mellowlark muffin as you wrap your choppers around more hot scoops.
I have many more secrets about the Hunger Games, including the inside scoop (yes, that’s two scoops – you always get more in the Joe Zone) on Catless’s stylist Cinnamon Bun, and the whole prep team. But my publisher says we need to stretch it out over three books. And then they’re going to make them into movies, but there will be six movies, not three.
My agent says, that way, the dough will really rise.