Today’s web toot from the Misty Mirror is a public service announcement for all the guys out there. And ladies, take heed of this warning about your man, from the Joe Zone! I mean, take more heed than Mrs. Zone does to my usual sub-standard advice.
Solitude can be a blessing, or a curse. Solitude has a reputation of leading to loneliness and unhappiness, but it can also lead to inspiration and self-discovery. However, we rarely see discussed or admitted in social circles the dangers inherent in solitude taking the form of a grown man being left alone in a house.
If I am a valid test sample, then I can say that if somehow, magically, every woman were removed from the face of the earth, leaving men alone in their homes, civilization would collapse in three days.
Mind you, civilization collapsing would probably be more fun than anyone ever anticipated, but it would happen.
When I am left alone, bad things always happen. It is safer to leave three thirteen year-olds, five Dobermans, and a kangaroo at home than to leave me. Recently, while home alone, I foolishly undertook the dangerous maneuver of opening the dining room blinds. As anyone would, I did it while having a full cup of coffee in my hand. Really, is there any way I could have foreseen bumping the cup against a dining room chair, sending a billion separate globules of coffee (with cream) flying in slo-mo through the air, with me frantically trying to grab each globule out of the air with my free hand?
Let me tell you, that’s not as easy as it sounds. In fact, it could be an Olympic event. An event in which I would not win the gold medal. In fact, I wouldn’t even be on the team. Not even if the team was from a tiny island nation of 47 people, where almost everyone who tried out for the Olympic team made it. I would be the guy they leave behind to guard the island while everyone else is competing in the Olympics. And very bad things (VBT’s) would happen to the island while they were gone.
Anyway, in actuality, the coffee fiasco wasn’t that bad. The coffee only went on a lace tablecloth, a pale blue carpet, and a white padded fancy accent chair that my wife adores. Fortunately, it was the same chair that her dearly departed beloved cat had scratched up, so it was already going with the distressed look. But I think her special cat was typically cut a lot more slack than I was. I mean, than I am. I think I’m still present tense in the house.
When I was nineteen, my parents left me alone in the house, and it almost burned down. Hey, I didn’t start the fire, any more than Billy Joel did. And I almost put it out. I probably would have if the garden hose had had a nozzle on it. It didn’t, so I was left to flail the hose back and forth over my head, trying to whip the fire to death. Someone pointed out later I could have stuck my thumb in the hose to simulate a nozzle. Geez, if there’s anything I hate, it’s a Monday morning fireman.
So my advice, guys, is don’t stay home alone. If the woman in your life leaves you to your own devices, resist the temptation to go it alone. Phone up a few of your friends. Have a bunch of them come over for snacks and football, or to try out your new band saw. I mean, what harm can a bunch of guys do in a house?
On second thought – stay home alone. It’s the safer bet.