My friends and family usually describe me as being mellow, even-tempered, slow to anger – you know, kind of boring. I suppose I am. I have my limits, though. And while many people never see me in an agitated state, I do have my pet peeves. They’re buried beneath the surface, like landmines.
I think most will agree that the transgressions that set me off, listed below, are unforgiveable, and warrant, at a minimum, nuclear retaliation.
1. Faceless Book
I rarely delve into this type of weighty matter. I’m talking about people whose Facebook profile picture is not a self-portrait.
Anyone on Facebook has seen this: The person whose profile picture is of their kid. Or their dog. Or their dinner.
I don’t want to see your kid. I don’t want to see your dog. I surely don’t want to see your dinner. How can someone tell if you’re their old childhood buddy if you’re showing them a dog? If your dog is that important, he can have his own Facebook page. In fact, we can start a whole new Poochbook site for him and his friends.
Why do you think they call it FACEbook? Show me your FACE!
2. Four hour nighttime cold medicine
Are they kidding me? Since when is “nighttime” four hours? I’m feeling miserable, and they want me to get only four hours of sleep? Forget it. I’m going to bypass that product on the shelf, and go straight for the bottle of twelve hour Cough & Coma syrup.
They’re sneaky about this, too. The label says “Nighttime” in big, bold, in-your-face letters. The “four hour” duration is written at the bottom of the bottle, in sub-atomic particles.
What’s next? Three minute aspirin?
3. Pack ‘em in Restaurant Hostesses
I walk into an almost empty restaurant, and the hostess seats me next to the only other occupied table – with three young kids, a loudmouth non-stop talker, and a barking dog. Or maybe it’s one of the kids that’s barking.
Seriously, hostess? Have you ever eaten in a restaurant yourself? Is this where you would want to sit? Geez, I wish hostesses worked on tips, so I could stiff them.
4. Cable TV networks that don’t want to be what they are
In the mad scramble for ratings, cable networks are constantly morphing, offering programming that is far afield from what their name implies.
Ever try to get a weather forecast on the Weather Channel in prime time? No way. It’s Storm Stories, or When Weather Changed History, or The Day Weather Mucked Up Your New Outfit and Hairdo and Sent You into a Spiraling Maelstrom of Despair. You’re the Weather Channel – tell me the weather!
I have at least four news channels on my cable service – CNN, Headline News, Fox News, and MSNBC. After 6:00 PM, not one of them will tell me the news. It’s all talk shows, all spinning events to the left or right, until my head is spinning in synchronous orbit with them. I’m going to believe what they tell me about the news, when I can’t even believe their names? You’re news channels – tell me the news!
5. Weddings turned into marathon photo shoots
Is there anyone who has not had this assault on common courtesy inflicted on them? The wedding’s over; the reception is pending; the guests are in a state of suspended animation, waiting for the pictures to be taken.
Meanwhile, the wedding party has taken off in a private jet, to be photographed on six continents, seven seas, and eight planets, because by the time they’re done, interplanetary travel will be commonplace.
Honestly, I can’t think of anything else that riles me. I’m pretty sure that’s all. If you think of anything else, let me know. Just don’t call when I’m trying to take my afternoon nap. We now return to our usual mellow state.