In the latest Joe Zone Startling Science News, high-ranking physics aficionados announced last week that gravitational waves had been detected in Washington and Louisiana. Why the waves chose to reveal themselves there is unclear. Some senior astrophysicists speculate that the waves may have come to Louisiana for Mardi Gras. Others wonder if the fierce El Nino Pacific storms may have washed the waves onto the Washington shoreline. Sounds right to me.
Gravitational waves are ripples in the fabric of space-time, which can be caused by black holes and undamped Kardashian derriere tremors. In this case, binary black holes that collided 1.3 billion light-years away from Earth were responsible. Twin LIGO (Laser Interferometer Gravitational-wave Observatory) detectors, uh – detected them. (Well, what else would detectors do? I mean, if a detector can’t detect, what good is it?)
The Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) is all over this. Once again, the JZ-BS has contracted the services (and possibly the flu) of Dr. Miso Kooku, World Authority on Cosmic Knowledge and Ostentatiousness (WACKO). In the following interview, Dr. Kooku commented exclusively for our cameras (which are “audio only”).
JZ: Welcome, Dr. Kooku. Can you explain what gravitational waves are?
Dr. K: Not so you’d understand it.
JZ: Yeah, probably not.
Dr. K: I have 17 degrees.
JZ: It feels warmer than that to me.
Dr. K: I rest my case.
JZ: Can you tell us how these waves will affect the average Joe?
Dr. K: That’s an optimistic self-assessment. Anyway, they will undoubtedly lead to a boom in sales of gravitational surfboards. Cowabunga, dudes! Catch a wild gravitational wave!
JZ: I see.
Dr. K: No, you don’t.
JZ: You’re right.
Dr. K: You betcha.
JZ: How long have we known about gravitational waves?
Dr. K; Einstein predicted the existence of gravitational waves in his General Theory of Relativity, in 1915. Once again, he has been vindicated, and proven correct. Actually, it can be quite annoying. He was such a smarty-pants.
JZ: Do I detect jealousy?
Unfortunately, Einstein’s theory of relativity did not predict who will win the 2016 presidential election, so we have to continue to put up with the nonsense. Maybe the next gravitational wave will wash over the candidates and sweep them out to Pluto. Then they can debate whether it’s a planet, and leave us alone.