Joe-Pourri is ready to ramble again. Whenever big news breaks, or when we feel like it, Joe-Pourri will sputter and flutter down the internet runway, to bring you the latest on what may or may not actually be happening – just like the major news sources. Let’s get started!
- In the world of sports, Super Bowl 50 saw the Denver Broncos, with a stifling defense, emerge victorious over the heavily favored Donald Trump. Trump supporters pointed out the inherent unfairness of the matchup, as The Donald was the only player in the stadium older than Peyton Manning.
- In the Iowa caucuses, Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton won the coin toss, and elected to receive. In honor of Groundhog Day, she showcased her prognostication skills by declaring herself the winner, hours before the results were in. Bernie Sanders took it in stride, saying that under his socialist rule all votes would be equally divided. On the Republican side, Donald Trump claimed to have received the most votes of any American, finishing second only to Canadian Ted Cruz. Thirty-seven candidates split the remaining five votes. A number of bottom-dwellers threw in the towel, including Rand Paul and Punxsutawney Phil.
- The New Hampshire primary featured strong showings by Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump. Sanders said that his message of “free stuff for all” is really resonating with the younger college-debt crowd. Meanwhile, Trump proposed his own solution to debtors: “We’ll deport them and build a wall to keep them out,” he said.
- In economic news, the Dow Jones average continues to tumble, sparked by fears of the Dow Jones tumbling. On the employment scene, thousands of job seekers became discouraged enough to drop out of the job market, including Carly Fiorina. This artificially lowered the unemployment rate to 4.9%. A White House source remarked, “Our strategy is working.”
Fortunately, that’s all we have time for today, as Joe’s cats say it’s time for a group nap, and the hands on the JZ digital clock agree. Join us next time for all the news we think you can use. Remember our Joe-Pourri news motto: A half-truth is twice as good as a quarter-truth.