Joe-Pourri is ready to rock you with the latest news that we see fit, so pull up a digital chair and sip on our latest slushee of news and views sure to confuse.
- “Super Tuesday” is mercifully behind us, as it turned out to be ‘way less fun than Super Bowl Sunday. Joe-Pourri has been sorting out the wreckage so that, just like NBC, CBS, CNN, Fox News, ad nauseum, we can tell you what to think about it.
- The main takeaway from yesterday’s primaries is that a majority of Americans think the solution to the divisiveness tearing our nation apart is to nominate for president the two most polarizing people in the country.
- Astronaut Scott Kelly returned to Earth last night after spending 340 days aboard the International Space Station. He traveled more than 144 million miles in space, and, surprisingly, ended up in Kazakhstan. “At least I didn’t suffer the fate of “The Martian,” Kelly said. “That poor guy was stranded on Mars, and didn’t even win the Oscar.”
- Kelly stated that he would have spent longer in space, but he realized he had to return to Earth to file his taxes. Events took a dark turn when Kelly discovered Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were the frontrunners for president. He immediately volunteered to spend the next four years in space.
- On the weather scene, a series of lows crossed the country recently, with blustery conditions and intermittent squalls leading to poor visibility. Meteorologists were puzzled as to the source of the recurring instabilities, until they realized the paths coincided with the campaign trails of the candidates. Joe-Pourri is hoping it all blows out to sea.
- On the sports scene, March Madness is right around the corner. Get your brackets ready! Although Joe-Pourri is doubtful that more madness is possible than we’re seeing now.
The patented Joe-Pourri Obnoxometer on the wall says that’s about all we can stand for now. And so as Joe-Pourri skulks back into the shadows in search of a nap, brace yourself for the next edition of veracity, illusion, and delusion, served hot and fresh in the Joe Zone.