Joe Potts Zone

Joe Potts – Author, Blogger, Humor-For-Hire.

You're traveling through a wondrous dimension of humor and shadow, of imagination and mist. Welcome to my website! Wander around a bit and see what’s up. If the mists get too thick, well, some things look better in the fog anyway. So come back often to The Joe Zone – and bring your friends. That way, if you get lost, or marooned here, at least you’re together. Not that people get marooned here. Very often. For very long. Signpost up ahead, your next stop – The Joe Zone!

Today: Savor the Flavor

When did you realize your childhood wasn’t going to last forever?

Time moves so slowly for the young. Waiting for Christmas to come, anticipating a trip to the amusement park, praying for school to end and summer to begin – these can create the illusion that time is endless. Each grade level of school takes an eternity, so childhood obviously is forever.

I remember with aching clarity the moment my bubble of youth was burst. As usually happens, it was a mundane moment, one that had no right to affect me in any way, but it went ahead and intruded on my oblivious bliss.

I Like ALL Kinds of Music!

People often say they like all kinds of music. They say it, but I never believe it. “Really? ALL kinds? So a rap polka would be on your playlist?” I like a variety of music, but I wouldn’t say I like all music.

For instance, I’ve never liked reggae music. To me, reggae sounds like the band has synchronized hiccups. Whenever some reggae comes on, I shout at the radio, “Can’t you guys all hold your breath for a while? Or take a big drink of water together?” I can’t imagine how Eric Clapton shot the sheriff with his body spasmodically jerking. I imagine a reggae artist’s EKG must give a cardiologist fits.

What Women Want, Part Two

Last time, we gazed into the Misty Mirror and reflected on what women want. I believe, after diligent research, back-breaking work, and dumb luck (my strong suit) that part of the answer is: vacuuming.

Some of my female friends and enemies tell me that these and similar theories are sexist, and do women a heinous injustice. In fact, they say it is belittling to women to assume that they want anything from a man, as if they are not self-sufficient and complete in their own right. It is also possible women simply want to be left alone. Many apparently are hungry for some precious free time away from those of the beefier persuasion. Some may feel that men are just a burden to be borne, except for the times when they really want something, but they won’t tell us because we should already know, and – I’m getting a headache again.

What Women Want, Part One

I recently saw an old Mel Gibson movie with the provocative title, “What Women Want.” Naturally, I was hoping to discover this morsel of information, so long sought-after by males hungering to please the women in their lives. The movie proved to be moderately amusing, but ultimately a scam, as it never did say what women want, unless it was implying that women want Mel Gibson.

Long Time No See! Do I Know You?

There’s a recurring scene in my life. A complete stranger approaches me, and when within striking distance, calls me by name and asks how I’ve been. And I ask myself, “Who is this person?” I would swear I’d never met them before. But it always turns out that we know each other in some manner. I just didn’t realize it.

Evidently I have a small issue with facial recognition. I spent most of my life unaware of this. Believe me, I have no trouble telling Angelina Jolie from Brad Pitt, or Charlize Theron from Charlie Sheen. Those distinctions are crystal clear. But if it’s someone I’ve met only nine or ten times, or it’s been more than a month or so, well…

The Four Seasons, Part 1: Spring Rears its Ugly Head

Run, take cover, for the scariest reason,

We’re under assault from the meanest season.

One day we freeze, the next we swelter.

God help us, it’s spring, gimme shelter!

Happy first day of spring! Can I join you in your bomb shelter? Seriously, I have no idea why spring has such a wonderful reputation. If you like tornados, severe thunderstorms, blizzards, and hail the size of cannon balls, then spring is your thing. If none of those suit you, wait till next week. Spring probably has a tsunami or volcano eruption up its sinister sleeve. Or maybe some good old-fashioned Biblical flaming hailstones.

Prophets without Honor

Prophets are said to be without honor in their own countries. In the same way, our family and closest friends often don’t recognize our superhero qualities. They’re too close to us. Our warts fill their field of vision, preventing them from seeing our true selves. They need to back up (and in some cases back off) until they see that our warts are truly beauty marks. Warts give us character. Quirks give us personality. Warts and quirks, for males, can be signs of rugged individualism, which is one of my best qualities. It just doesn’t come through in photos. Or in person.

Come On, Get Appy!

We gaze in the Misty Mirror today to bring the world of apps into focus. Smartphone users are always hunting for and hungry for the newest, trendiest apps. The reason they’re always hungry is that today’s apps aren’t satisfying. Like the worst kinds of junk foods, most apps are lightweight and packed with non-nutritive fillers, leaving the user craving something with more substance. In the Joe Zone, we’re all about healthy, nutritious apps that leave the user satisfied, and with lower cholesterol levels. Down with Twinkie™ apps!

Wedding Dress Emporium

Let me get this right out in the open: Mrs. Zone collects wedding dresses. Scads of wedding dresses. Heaps of wedding dresses. Herds of wedding dresses. From out of the blue, without warning, completely unexpectedly (have we been redundant enough yet?), we have stumbled into a wedding dress emporium, here in a lacy corner of the Joe Zone.

Planet Earth in Cosmic Shooting Gallery

New levels of hysteria are being reached in the Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS). Just when we thought the world of science could get no nuttier, like a bolt from the blue, along comes Friday, February 15, 2013: the day the Earth was attacked by an asteroid and a meteor on the same day. Actually, it was a bolt from the blue.

As has been reported all over the world (supposedly, even members of Congress heard about it), a bus-sized meteor exploded over western Siberia with the force of 20 atomic bombs, on the same day an asteroid passed within 17,000 miles of the Earth. To put these events in perspective, the JZ-BS has abducted, I mean cornered, a leading authority on astronomy, physics, and ginsu knives, and peppered and filleted him in the following interview – which we will present right after lunch, as I am now strangely hungry.

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"Some of us are rocks that make big splashes felt by all. Some of us are pebbles that make small ripples felt by a few. But in the end, we all sink to the bottom. Wait - that's not where I was going with this."

"Time is on no one's side."

"Boldly go where no you has gone before."

"Why did God create both dolphins and porpoises?"

"Blow your own horn. Preferably with a Jimi tune."

"You have the star role in the story of your life. Go for the Oscar!"

"Hold on to your dreams. Then wake up and live them."

"How long did the four presidents have to hold still while Mt. Rushmore was carved?"

"Life isn't fair. But it's not always foul, either."

"If you don't know the answer, ask. If you do know the answer, tell."

"Would the child that you were be proud of who you became?"

"Would your childhood dreams recognize you?"

"Make a big splash! Just don't do it in the shallow end."

"Does the key fit the lock, or the lock fit the key?"

"We weather the storm, and the storm weathers us."

"If you're going to be Popeye, you have to eat spinach."

"Why do they try to confuse me by calling groundhogs woodchucks? And really, aren't kangaroos and wallabies the same thing? "

" The worst batter in the world, if he swings, has a better chance than the best batter in the world with the bat on his shoulder. Swing!"

"It's not worth draining the pool for a lost quarter. Or even a quarter pounder."

"The universe has no respect for your time."

"Fog cannot endure under the glare of the sun. And the fog in your life cannot endure under the glare of the love of the Son."

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About Me

Joe Potts was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pa., which means he has steel in his bones and three rivers in his veins. Unfortunately, it also means he’s rusting from the inside out. Read more>