Joe Potts – Author, Blogger, Humor-For-Hire.

You're traveling through a wondrous dimension of humor and shadow, of imagination and mist. Welcome to my website! Wander around a bit and see what’s up. If the mists get too thick, well, some things look better in the fog anyway. So come back often to The Joe Zone – and bring your friends. That way, if you get lost, or marooned here, at least you’re together. Not that people get marooned here. Very often. For very long. Signpost up ahead, your next stop – The Joe Zone!

English as a First Language – the Premier Episode

We are tingling with excitement in the Joe Zone as we launch our newest series in informative blogs (or web toots, as we call them in the JZ). Sound the trumpets and blast the bagpipes, here comes “English as a First Language” (EFL). We’re so excited, we’ve quivered our liver with a righteous shiver right out of our abdomen, and down our leg onto the floor. Hang on, I need to grab some paper towels.

In addition to the Joe Zone’s “Startling Science” series bringing you all the latest lowdown on that heady scientific jazz, we’re now also going to wake up, dust off, and polish your language skills such as you never thought possible. We’re going to clarify your clauses, pump up your participles, and juice up your gerunds into the high octane zone like you always dreamed of, but were afraid to hope for. (Holy preposition!  This is insane!)  Yes, I once had the language skills of a paramecium, but I elevated myself to at least the level of a slug, if not a sloth. And I can turn you into a sloth as well! I know it’s possible, because my pet paramecium recently signed a three-book deal with a major publisher, for a vampire protozoa series. 

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It’s our First Anniversary!

Celebration time! Heaven knows that in the Joe Zone we’ll celebrate anything, from a new tube of toothpaste to a healthy, blow-the-pictures-off-the-wall sneeze, but today we have a legitimate reason: the Joe Zone has reached its one-year anniversary.

Yes, it’s true. One year ago, the Joe Zone exploded onto the internet like a doomsday disease. The web has never been the same. Since the inaugural post on my blog page (“Reflections in a Misty Mirror”), the number of Joe Zone fans, zealots, and stalkers has increased by a factor of ten (from the initial fan base consisting of Mrs. Zone). I want to thank the loyal readers of my blog – you know who you are.

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The Four Seasons, Part 3: Autumn Falls at our Feet

Regular Zoners will recall that we have been celebrating the arrival of each new season. We last partied for the summer solstice (“The Four Seasons, Part 2: Summer Hot, Summer Hotter,” June 21, 2013). So once again we drag out the Joe Zone nuclear-powered microscope, and examine the season of autumn, which fell with a thud on the northern hemisphere September 22 at 4:44 PM. Did you hear it?

Ah, autumn! What is so fair as a midsummer night’s dream of autumn, when frost has dusted the pumpkin patch and covered the grass, which still needs to be mowed because it won’t stop growing in this cursed damp, dreary, chilly season that reminds us that death – well, maybe I’m getting carried away. Autumn, actually, is often the fairest of times, with mild weather and pleasant temperatures. Of course, occasionally Mother Nature will throw the odd hurricane or blizzard at us, but on the whole it’s a mellow time.

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Look Out! Driverless Car!

There’s been a lot of hubbub lately about driverless cars. I’m not talking about the cars that we’re dodging because some brain-dead nimrod is texting instead of driving. I’m talking about cars that are driverless on purpose. By design. Because somebody thinks it’s a good idea. Or they think that because it’s an idea that someone thought of, we should do it.  Because, if we can dream it, we can do it, and we should do it. Because that philosophy has worked out so well with nerve gas, nuclear bombs, and tofu.

At first glance, a driverless car may seem about as practical as a pilot-less plane or doctor-less brain surgery.  Of course, we already have both of those things.  Most planes take off, cruise, and land by computer these days, with the pilot only getting involved to test the scotch, tell us it will be another three hours before we’re cleared for takeoff, or to make amusing comments about the turbulent air about to be encountered.

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“Did You Notice My Hair is Different?”

The Misty Mirror is thickly fogged by feminine cleverness (or possibly masculine denseness) today. A man knows he’s stepping into quicksand whenever his wife begins a sentence with, “Did you notice.” When that sentence ends with anything pertaining to hair, well, he knows he’s about to attempt crossing that quicksand wearing a suit of armor and bowling balls stuffed in his pockets.

So when Mrs. Zone recently asked, “Did you notice my hair was different yesterday?” I immediately froze. I knew this would be a great time to be abducted by aliens. Unfortunately, you can never count on the aliens when you need them. They left me to face my fate alone.

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Area 51 is Real, Part 2

When last we peered into the Misty Mirror, the Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) was illuminating the murky corners of Area 51. In the second part of an exclusive interview brought to you by the JZ-BS, Dr. Miso Kooku, renowned authority and borderline schizoid, lets us in on the inside scoop.

JZ-BS: What about the aliens? The declassified CIA documents make no reference to flying saucers, aliens, or the Roswell, New Mexico incident of 1948.

Dr. Kooku: That’s because the real hub of alien activity is D.C.

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CIA Says Area 51 is Real

The Joe Zone Bureau of Science (JZ-BS) is thrilled to present perhaps the most startling science news to date: the CIA has confirmed the existence of Area 51. The long-suspected secret testing ground in Nevada (secret in the sense that Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky was secret) has finally been verified as a testing ground for advanced aircraft. Declassified documents state that the area, not far from Las Vegas, has been used as a cutting-edge aviation test ground for the U2 (the spy plane, not the Irish rock band), the SR-71 Blackbird, and stealth aircraft. No mention was made of UFO’s or aliens.

JZ-BS reporters, investigators, snoops, and busy-bodies have been constantly working tirelessly around the clock 24/7 without ceasing to break this story, and they are now definitely broken. Yes, the contributions of the JZ-BS team to the birth of this long-gestating story cannot be underestimated. One of the many truths uncovered by our tireless sleuths is that the JZ-BS and the CIA share a common motto: a half-truth is twice as good as a quarter-truth.

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The Dream Visitor

I don’t remember when my recurring nocturnal apparition first haunted my dreams. Years ago, I’m sure. Infrequent visits at first, becoming more regular over the years. Eventually, he became a featured performer in almost nightly screenings, with an occasional matinee during an afternoon nap.

He never said a word. Through a misty fog obscuring his features, he dispassionately looked at me, as if waiting for me to say something to him. He had an air of familiarity about him, always just beyond the outer rim of recognition. Slowly, over time, realization crept through the fog. I can’t say exactly when it happened, but one day I knew my specter was – Almost Me. An alternate me. A me that might have been.

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Electrons Move Slowly at My House

People sometimes say they have the reverse Midas touch. I have what I call the reverse Edison touch. Any device that uses electricity doesn’t work well around me. This is especially true of computers.

Everyone I know has a computer that is fast as lightning, runs quietly, and seems to read its owner’s mind. Or maybe that’s the NSA doing that. Anyway, that doesn’t happen with me. My computer kicks and brays like a mule if I get within ten feet of it. It immediately slows down as if it had been thrown into a vat of molasses. (Which isn’t a bad idea; I’ve considered doing that a number of times.)

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Set Your Own Sails

We are often conditioned by society to think of ourselves in a particular way. We belong to this crowd, not that one. We should be here, not there. We can do this, not that. If we were born in humble surroundings, we shouldn’t expect to one day have a chateau in Aspen. In this way, society herds us into neat little cubbyholes of its choosing, and makes sure that we’re not more successful than average.

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