Today I am proud to present my most important web toot to date. I came across a composite image of Pluto and its moon Charon, made from Hubble Space Telescope images. I must say I was shocked. In a stunning scientific development that was predicted by no one, Pluto has been revealed to be an enormous, shiny, dimpled disco ball.
To say that this knocked planetary scientists on their astronomical fannies is an understatement of astronomical proportions. Boy, did they feel silly!
Pluto had been thought to be a rocky-icy composite with an inferiority complex. Its exact makeup and structure is now an open question. Also unclear is who has been dancing to it. A prominent planetary scientist provided these comments exclusively to your trusted reporter: “We always knew the outer planets were a bit free-spirited. I mean, there’s Pluto occasionally ducking inside of Neptune’s orbit, Uranus standing on its head, that sort of nonsense. You’d never see one of the stodgy inner planets doing that kind of hanky panky. But disco? That’s some hot stuff!”
Unanswered at this time is the true nature of Pluto’s moon Charon. The smart money seems to be on paper mâché. Although, given the shock waves that are still reverberating throughout the scientific community, it’s understandable that a small segment of rogue iconoclasts are pushing the cheese model.
An unexpected repercussion is the heated debate among theologians. With Pluto confirmed to be a disco ball, what does that tell us about the true nature of God? Liberal thinkers seem to be rallying around the “God loves a boogie-down” line of thought. More conservative theologians are praying for the souls of those who have previously embraced the creed “Disco Sucks.”
“Wow, is God mad at them!” explained a skulking spokesman, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “A special place in hell is reserved for them. It’s called the Disco Inferno.” Lowering his voice, he continued, “And I don’t want to even consider the fate being prepared for those who demoted Pluto from planethood.”
At press time, it is rather murky as to what the implications are for the rest of the solar system. NASA’s New Horizons mission to Pluto, scheduled to arrive in 2015, has taken on new importance. “We wish we could speed it up,” a NASA spokesman said. “Based on the traditional laws of physics, that’s not possible. But with this new development, some scientists think things are not as they seem. The universe is stranger than we can imagine. We have a small group of scientists and lounge singers concentrating on sending psychic energy to the spacecraft, while listening to the Best of the Bee Gees. They may be able to give it enough of an energy boost to speed it up.”
As always, Joe pledges to keep at least one eye trained on the Misty Mirror, squinting for new developments in this Earth-shaking, and Pluto-shaking, story.